Jake, the first person telling from Rama's point of view is amazing. As i have said in many comments throughout this course, I love understanding each characters motivations, and this sort of telling gives that to me. The conflict you write into Rama's mind tell the story of the leader he is, torn between his cause and desire for victory and the horror at the death and destruction. If there was anything to add to this, it maybe would be some of the negative thoughts in Rama's head, where he envisions what would happen if he did stop fighting, did not challenge Ravana. This is far from necessary, but would add even another dimension to the already emotional tale you are telling. I feel you did capture Rama's mind though, the caring, thinking man who in the end, knows what he must do and jumps into action, without any hesitation once he takes action as to what he will do. Based on my interpretation from reading the Ramayama, this is the exact mentality I would envision Rama having.
Firstly, the death of Kumbhakarna was phenomenal. You have created an immersive and realistic depiction of Rama's perspective of the battle's events, and your writing style is appropriately descriptive, yet concise. This is a great narration for Rama's viewpoint, and the details you've incorporated really pull the reader into the battle. This is a gripping tale of war.
The ending of your story seems poised for a continuation; the events following Kumbhakarna's death would make for an excellent follow-up. Alternatively, I almost wish I could read what Kumbhakarna experienced! Creating a story from his point of view could be a great counter-point to this, only using Kumbhakarna's feelings and ideas instead of Rama's.
Finally, your portfolio website looks and functions great. Clean and easy to navigate, with a fun image too. I am looking forward to the rest of your work this semester! This was a great story. Good job!
Jake, I enjoyed reading your story. Taking the first person perspective is a fun way to retell a story. I am doing the same in my stories about Ravana, so I found this particularly interesting to read about Rama's thoughts and reasoning. I enjoyed your level of description throughout the story, the way you described the actions Rama was experiencing helped paint a great picture in my head. You portray the great struggle within Rama very well, I wonder if Rama's motives for going to battle were different what he would have decided to do in this battle.
What's up Jake? Good to see you taking this course this semester also. I decided to do a portfolio this semester also. I thought it would be nice to try something different than the storybook this time and Gavin kind of talked me into it last semester. I thought your story was real good! The description of everyone was definitely wow. I think you had Rama's character spot on and really made his thoughts come to life. The way you spent time and made sure that every event in the story was bonded with great visual features was great. I could really see in my mind everything that was happening. Anyways great job on the first story you have here. It was a really good read and I'm glad I got to read it. Good luck on the rest of the portfolio and the semester.
Jake, I really like the story you picked to work with. This battle is en epic portion of the Ramayana, and has lots of potential. The story starts out pretty great, dropping straight into the action. The consideration of morale throughout the story is pretty well done with the natural ebb and flow as the soldiers push forward and get pushed back. On thing I might recommend is look at a putting in a bit more details about the setting. Try to describe what Rama might be seeing, hearing, smelling, etc. as he does battle. Adding details like this can draw a reader even deeper into a story, and keep them fully engaged for longer. My last comment is on word choice. Overall, it is pretty good, but there are a few spots, like in the second paragraph "...endless desire to defeat Ravana and end this conflict..." where using a word other than endless would help the flow of the story a little. Perhaps use 'insatiable' or change 'end' to 'settle.'
Hey Jake, I really enjoyed reading your story because it was unique the way you wrote the story. For example I really like how you told the story from Rama perspective and added all the more emotion and his thoughts to the story. Wow it made this story really interesting because in real story they didn’t really explain this fight that much in detail. I wonder if what would have happen if Rama weren’t able to kill Kumbhakarna and missed his arrow. What another strategies would he use against Kumbhakarna to kill him and save his comrade from dying and how would Kumbhakarna react after almost getting assassinated by Rama. What if you made Rama go head to head open fight Kumbhakarna then the story would have been really good because I read in Mahabharata that in war killing somebody through despicable way instead of head on fight is sin.
Hi Jake! Your story was really good. My favorite part was the detail. I could picture what was taking place. The detail is a huge part of the reader enjoying the story and you did an excellent job of this. I also like how you used Rama's perspective. This, in my opinion, makes the story more powerful. Seeing something through another person's eyes, tells you a lot about the person. Switching this perspective to Rama's allows us to relive this epic story through his eyes.I wonder how Rama felt when he saw Kumbhakarna? Was he scared? How did he feel when he killed Kumbhakarna? Did he ever have doubt that he would kill him? Maybe you could add some details about how you think Rama felt. Was he really this brave warrior or was he secretly terrified? Just an idea. Your story is really good, and I look forward to reading more. Best of luck.
I really like your story. Never thought I would be able to read the Kumbhakarna story from the Rama's perspective and I really enjoyed it. The descriptive information of the battle field and how the monkey army felt while fighting with the army of army of Ravana was really good. There was picture popping up in my mind while reading your story with such a good descriptive information. I never knew that Rama was trying to kill Kumbhakaran but how would have done it with all the chaos going on the battle field. What was the reaction of Rama? After seeing the Kumbhakarna because he defeated Hanuman so did Rama even think that he would not be able to defeat him. I think after defeating Kumbhakarna Rama probably felt like really happy and it was a challenge that he never faced before. Overall your story was really interesting. I look forward to reading your stories in the future.
Hi Jake! I really liked your story and how it was told from the perspective of Rama! You had a lot of descriptives, which made the story sort of play like a movie in my head. The original story did not have much detail and you did a great job adding more to the story so that we could understand what was going on. Rama's point of view really helped me to understand what he was thinking. His feelings weren't really portrayed though. Maybe you could add a little more details and explanations so that readers can feel and connect with Rama emotionally. We all know he was a brave fighter, but even the bravest people can be scared sometimes and that would be really interesting to read about. Overall, it was a great story! I look forward to reading more of your work. Good luck with all of your classes!
Hi Jake, I like your story, "My Battle Against the Army of Demons". I love how you told it as if you were the person fighting the battle. I thought it was retold very well and I enjoyed reading it. I did not find any errors and it was very easy to read. I really did enjoy this story. I loved how you put that Rama was hiding in the trees and was about to slay the giant. I also enjoyed reading "Rama Bends The Bow". I wish there was just a little more romance involved in the story. But it was a great story. I wouldn't mind more dialog between the people. I think it is always important to incorporate that. I think you did a great job on your portfolio. I think you did a great job at writing and making the design. I can't wait to read more from you, keep up the good work.
Hi Jake! I really loved both of your stories. I really liked the way you simply re-told the classic tales in more modern language and expanded on details, rather than writing entirely new stories that are kind of based on the originals. Your description of Rama killing Kumbhakarna was incredibly epic and was really thrilling to read. Your rendition of Rama Bending the Bow was great, and much more readable than the original version. The more modern language made the source material much more interesting and easier to read. The one thing I would add to your stories is more dialogue, as your two stories are currently lacking in that department, though they are perfectly capable of standing without it. Just in future stories, a little bit of dialogue could go a long way. I am really looking forward to reading more of your stories and seeing your portfolio grow!
Hi Jake! I am so impressed by your website and the way you've decided to formatted so intentionally and uniquely. Thank you for sharing your work with us over the past few weeks! This specific project you did a stellar job at shaping the plot really well and developing the characters as well. The characters really played a heavy part in the imagery of the story and that was incredibly talented of you because often times students can forget to include that. That's important for me as the reader because if the characters come alive then I can capture the story all the more. You have a skill for being able to really present the setting well and transition well into multiple settings if the story contains that. Thank you for sharing with us each week! I look forward to reading more of your work and commenting on your blogs. Have a wonderful week 11!
Hello Jake. Great work so far. I was surprised by how different your website looked and was set up. I thought it was a little harder to navigate than a lot of the other set ups I have seen. I liked your pictures and thought they fit well with the theme of your project. I like how you are focusing on Rama and some of the bigger moments in his saga. I really liked your first story. Your language was really powerful and colorful. The story was really intense and this was in large part to the quality and descriptiveness of your writing. Your second story was also good and I liked how different it was from the first. They were both very unique and their own thing. One story an epic battle scene and the other more of a love story. Keep up the good work. I am looking forward to seeing how you will progress.
Hi Jake! I really liked your stories and the detail you had put in them. My one concern is that I couldn't tell who was speaking until I read your author's note for the first story. I'm in the Myth-Folklore class so I am unfamiliar with the story and it would have helped to clarify if you specified who was speaking. Your introduction to the story could be an awesome place to put that sort of stuff. Speaking of your introduction, perhaps you can include more information? Just explaining perhaps who Rama is for those unfamiliar or telling in more detail what your stories/portfolio is going to entail. Your writing is so descriptive, I could really picture in my mind what was going on. I enjoyed reading both of your stories. Good work so far and I hope it only gets even better!
Your first story was great with detail. I loved reading it because I could really feel like I was in the battle next to Rama. The only thing I would suggest would to put who the speaker is somewhere in the text. I think it would be interesting to put Rama's name at the very end to conclude this epic battle. For example, you could have his warriors chant "Rama! Rama!" after he defeats the demon. This would answer the reader's question as to who this hero is, but with a dramatic flair. As for your second story, I like how you described Rama and Sita's first time seeing each other. That was one of my favorite parts of the epic, and you did great at describing it! The only suggestion that I have for this story is to maybe add a bit more dialogue to help the readers connect with the characters.
Hi Jake! Your first story was great, and it was neat to see a legend told from such a personal perspective. In my mind, it makes the whole thing more emotional and exciting. I'm not in the Indian Epics class, so I wasn't familiar with the story. I had to read the author's note to know who was speaking! I think it would help out if Rama introduced himself a little bit. That said, the author's note cleared everything up.
The second story was great as well, and felt like a classic "sword-in-the-stone" type myth (I don't know which came first!) Because it felt like a prequel to the first story in your portfolio, have you considered flipping the order of the two? It might give continuity, but it's also cool the way it is.
Finally, your third story had a lot of neat details and I was really excited for the fight between the two by the time it happened! I only wish it lasted longer, but I suppose that's what you get when you send such a great demon slayer against a demon. Awesome portfolio!
Hello Jake. I really liked your stories! I think you do a great job of giving details that show the internal thoughts and emotions of the character. You also do very well to describe the scenery of the characters to give more insight into how they feel about their environment. One example of this is in your first story when you're describing the fear that Rama sees on everyones face. Also, in the second story you do a great job of describing the details of the garden. I think one thing that could really compliment your style would be adding some dialog between some of the characters. I think this would help bring out the personalities of the characters of your stories and help them blend in with the scenery and descriptive writing style you use. Overall you did a great job on the stories and good luck finishing out the semester!
Hi Jake! I like that you have included blurbs and links for your stories on the home page. I believe I’ve read and commented on “My Battle Against the Army of Demons,” so I’ll focus on your other stories. In your second story, your use of the third person is perfect for narrating the thoughts and emotions of all characters involved. I noticed that your other stories are far more focused on violence. It makes this story stand out. I wondered if you had considered doing a fourth story which might be romantic to continue this pattern or connect these two very different themes. The images for your third story were placed at the bottom of the page, but I wish you had maybe placed them throughout the story as they became relevant. Pictures always help me to visualize what’s going on. Overall, I didn’t really see anything on your portfolio that needs your attention. Nice job with everything!
Hey Jake! First of all, nice portfolio man! I love the layouts and the easy access of the contents. I love how your banner image is one, but in each story, you added different images that fit the overall tone of the story. I also love the theme of your portfolio since it is full of battles and wars. I think you did well in putting imagery and giving little details since it makes your story more lively. Your author's note is very descriptive and gives good background information so the first time readers can easily access and understand the story you made compare to the original story. Overall, great job and I hope that you can keep up the good work!
Hi Jake great job on your Portfolio! I like how all of the stories are related because it creates a continuity with all of your stories. This is a good Portfolio to have all of the stories similar because of the direction you are taking with the Portfolio. Your retelling of the stories makes it important that they are all connected in some way. One thing I would recommend for the stories is making some changes that make them more specific to your Portfolio. Additional little details would be great because they would make the stories more yours instead of the original. Great job on your storybook, and good luck with the rest of the semester!
_LACMA_M.72.11.jpg){kind=link}
Jake, the first person telling from Rama's point of view is amazing. As i have said in many comments throughout this course, I love understanding each characters motivations, and this sort of telling gives that to me. The conflict you write into Rama's mind tell the story of the leader he is, torn between his cause and desire for victory and the horror at the death and destruction. If there was anything to add to this, it maybe would be some of the negative thoughts in Rama's head, where he envisions what would happen if he did stop fighting, did not challenge Ravana. This is far from necessary, but would add even another dimension to the already emotional tale you are telling. I feel you did capture Rama's mind though, the caring, thinking man who in the end, knows what he must do and jumps into action, without any hesitation once he takes action as to what he will do. Based on my interpretation from reading the Ramayama, this is the exact mentality I would envision Rama having.
ReplyDeleteHi Jake!
ReplyDeleteFirstly, the death of Kumbhakarna was phenomenal. You have created an immersive and realistic depiction of Rama's perspective of the battle's events, and your writing style is appropriately descriptive, yet concise. This is a great narration for Rama's viewpoint, and the details you've incorporated really pull the reader into the battle. This is a gripping tale of war.
The ending of your story seems poised for a continuation; the events following Kumbhakarna's death would make for an excellent follow-up. Alternatively, I almost wish I could read what Kumbhakarna experienced! Creating a story from his point of view could be a great counter-point to this, only using Kumbhakarna's feelings and ideas instead of Rama's.
Finally, your portfolio website looks and functions great. Clean and easy to navigate, with a fun image too. I am looking forward to the rest of your work this semester! This was a great story. Good job!
Jake, I enjoyed reading your story. Taking the first person perspective is a fun way to retell a story. I am doing the same in my stories about Ravana, so I found this particularly interesting to read about Rama's thoughts and reasoning. I enjoyed your level of description throughout the story, the way you described the actions Rama was experiencing helped paint a great picture in my head. You portray the great struggle within Rama very well, I wonder if Rama's motives for going to battle were different what he would have decided to do in this battle.
ReplyDeleteWhat's up Jake? Good to see you taking this course this semester also. I decided to do a portfolio this semester also. I thought it would be nice to try something different than the storybook this time and Gavin kind of talked me into it last semester. I thought your story was real good! The description of everyone was definitely wow. I think you had Rama's character spot on and really made his thoughts come to life. The way you spent time and made sure that every event in the story was bonded with great visual features was great. I could really see in my mind everything that was happening. Anyways great job on the first story you have here. It was a really good read and I'm glad I got to read it. Good luck on the rest of the portfolio and the semester.
ReplyDeleteJake, I really like the story you picked to work with. This battle is en epic portion of the Ramayana, and has lots of potential. The story starts out pretty great, dropping straight into the action. The consideration of morale throughout the story is pretty well done with the natural ebb and flow as the soldiers push forward and get pushed back. On thing I might recommend is look at a putting in a bit more details about the setting. Try to describe what Rama might be seeing, hearing, smelling, etc. as he does battle. Adding details like this can draw a reader even deeper into a story, and keep them fully engaged for longer. My last comment is on word choice. Overall, it is pretty good, but there are a few spots, like in the second paragraph "...endless desire to defeat Ravana and end this conflict..." where using a word other than endless would help the flow of the story a little. Perhaps use 'insatiable' or change 'end' to 'settle.'
ReplyDeleteHey Jake, I really enjoyed reading your story because it was unique the way you wrote the story. For example I really like how you told the story from Rama perspective and added all the more emotion and his thoughts to the story. Wow it made this story really interesting because in real story they didn’t really explain this fight that much in detail. I wonder if what would have happen if Rama weren’t able to kill Kumbhakarna and missed his arrow. What another strategies would he use against Kumbhakarna to kill him and save his comrade from dying and how would Kumbhakarna react after almost getting assassinated by Rama. What if you made Rama go head to head open fight Kumbhakarna then the story would have been really good because I read in Mahabharata that in war killing somebody through despicable way instead of head on fight is sin.
ReplyDeleteHi Jake! Your story was really good. My favorite part was the detail. I could picture what was taking place. The detail is a huge part of the reader enjoying the story and you did an excellent job of this. I also like how you used Rama's perspective. This, in my opinion, makes the story more powerful. Seeing something through another person's eyes, tells you a lot about the person. Switching this perspective to Rama's allows us to relive this epic story through his eyes.I wonder how Rama felt when he saw Kumbhakarna? Was he scared? How did he feel when he killed Kumbhakarna? Did he ever have doubt that he would kill him? Maybe you could add some details about how you think Rama felt. Was he really this brave warrior or was he secretly terrified? Just an idea. Your story is really good, and I look forward to reading more. Best of luck.
ReplyDeleteHello Jake!
ReplyDeleteI really like your story. Never thought I would be able to read the Kumbhakarna story from the Rama's perspective and I really enjoyed it. The descriptive information of the battle field and how the monkey army felt while fighting with the army of army of Ravana was really good. There was picture popping up in my mind while reading your story with such a good descriptive information. I never knew that Rama was trying to kill Kumbhakaran but how would have done it with all the chaos going on the battle field. What was the reaction of Rama? After seeing the Kumbhakarna because he defeated Hanuman so did Rama even think that he would not be able to defeat him. I think after defeating Kumbhakarna Rama probably felt like really happy and it was a challenge that he never faced before. Overall your story was really interesting. I look forward to reading your stories in the future.
Hi Jake! I really liked your story and how it was told from the perspective of Rama! You had a lot of descriptives, which made the story sort of play like a movie in my head. The original story did not have much detail and you did a great job adding more to the story so that we could understand what was going on. Rama's point of view really helped me to understand what he was thinking. His feelings weren't really portrayed though. Maybe you could add a little more details and explanations so that readers can feel and connect with Rama emotionally. We all know he was a brave fighter, but even the bravest people can be scared sometimes and that would be really interesting to read about. Overall, it was a great story! I look forward to reading more of your work. Good luck with all of your classes!
ReplyDeleteHi Jake,
ReplyDeleteI like your story, "My Battle Against the Army of Demons". I love how you told it as if you were the person fighting the battle. I thought it was retold very well and I enjoyed reading it. I did not find any errors and it was very easy to read. I really did enjoy this story. I loved how you put that Rama was hiding in the trees and was about to slay the giant. I also enjoyed reading "Rama Bends The Bow". I wish there was just a little more romance involved in the story. But it was a great story. I wouldn't mind more dialog between the people. I think it is always important to incorporate that. I think you did a great job on your portfolio. I think you did a great job at writing and making the design. I can't wait to read more from you, keep up the good work.
Hi Jake! I really loved both of your stories. I really liked the way you simply re-told the classic tales in more modern language and expanded on details, rather than writing entirely new stories that are kind of based on the originals. Your description of Rama killing Kumbhakarna was incredibly epic and was really thrilling to read. Your rendition of Rama Bending the Bow was great, and much more readable than the original version. The more modern language made the source material much more interesting and easier to read. The one thing I would add to your stories is more dialogue, as your two stories are currently lacking in that department, though they are perfectly capable of standing without it. Just in future stories, a little bit of dialogue could go a long way. I am really looking forward to reading more of your stories and seeing your portfolio grow!
ReplyDeleteHi Jake! I am so impressed by your website and the way you've decided to formatted so intentionally and uniquely. Thank you for sharing your work with us over the past few weeks! This specific project you did a stellar job at shaping the plot really well and developing the characters as well. The characters really played a heavy part in the imagery of the story and that was incredibly talented of you because often times students can forget to include that. That's important for me as the reader because if the characters come alive then I can capture the story all the more. You have a skill for being able to really present the setting well and transition well into multiple settings if the story contains that. Thank you for sharing with us each week! I look forward to reading more of your work and commenting on your blogs. Have a wonderful week 11!
ReplyDeleteHello Jake. Great work so far. I was surprised by how different your website looked and was set up. I thought it was a little harder to navigate than a lot of the other set ups I have seen. I liked your pictures and thought they fit well with the theme of your project. I like how you are focusing on Rama and some of the bigger moments in his saga. I really liked your first story. Your language was really powerful and colorful. The story was really intense and this was in large part to the quality and descriptiveness of your writing. Your second story was also good and I liked how different it was from the first. They were both very unique and their own thing. One story an epic battle scene and the other more of a love story. Keep up the good work. I am looking forward to seeing how you will progress.
ReplyDeleteHi Jake! I really liked your stories and the detail you had put in them. My one concern is that I couldn't tell who was speaking until I read your author's note for the first story. I'm in the Myth-Folklore class so I am unfamiliar with the story and it would have helped to clarify if you specified who was speaking. Your introduction to the story could be an awesome place to put that sort of stuff. Speaking of your introduction, perhaps you can include more information? Just explaining perhaps who Rama is for those unfamiliar or telling in more detail what your stories/portfolio is going to entail. Your writing is so descriptive, I could really picture in my mind what was going on. I enjoyed reading both of your stories. Good work so far and I hope it only gets even better!
ReplyDeleteHello Jake!
ReplyDeleteYour first story was great with detail. I loved reading it because I could really feel like I was in the battle next to Rama. The only thing I would suggest would to put who the speaker is somewhere in the text. I think it would be interesting to put Rama's name at the very end to conclude this epic battle. For example, you could have his warriors chant "Rama! Rama!" after he defeats the demon. This would answer the reader's question as to who this hero is, but with a dramatic flair. As for your second story, I like how you described Rama and Sita's first time seeing each other. That was one of my favorite parts of the epic, and you did great at describing it! The only suggestion that I have for this story is to maybe add a bit more dialogue to help the readers connect with the characters.
Hi Jake! Your first story was great, and it was neat to see a legend told from such a personal perspective. In my mind, it makes the whole thing more emotional and exciting. I'm not in the Indian Epics class, so I wasn't familiar with the story. I had to read the author's note to know who was speaking! I think it would help out if Rama introduced himself a little bit. That said, the author's note cleared everything up.
ReplyDeleteThe second story was great as well, and felt like a classic "sword-in-the-stone" type myth (I don't know which came first!) Because it felt like a prequel to the first story in your portfolio, have you considered flipping the order of the two? It might give continuity, but it's also cool the way it is.
Finally, your third story had a lot of neat details and I was really excited for the fight between the two by the time it happened! I only wish it lasted longer, but I suppose that's what you get when you send such a great demon slayer against a demon. Awesome portfolio!
Hello Jake.
ReplyDeleteI really liked your stories! I think you do a great job of giving details that show the internal thoughts and emotions of the character. You also do very well to describe the scenery of the characters to give more insight into how they feel about their environment. One example of this is in your first story when you're describing the fear that Rama sees on everyones face. Also, in the second story you do a great job of describing the details of the garden. I think one thing that could really compliment your style would be adding some dialog between some of the characters. I think this would help bring out the personalities of the characters of your stories and help them blend in with the scenery and descriptive writing style you use. Overall you did a great job on the stories and good luck finishing out the semester!
Hi Jake! I like that you have included blurbs and links for your stories on the home page. I believe I’ve read and commented on “My Battle Against the Army of Demons,” so I’ll focus on your other stories. In your second story, your use of the third person is perfect for narrating the thoughts and emotions of all characters involved. I noticed that your other stories are far more focused on violence. It makes this story stand out. I wondered if you had considered doing a fourth story which might be romantic to continue this pattern or connect these two very different themes. The images for your third story were placed at the bottom of the page, but I wish you had maybe placed them throughout the story as they became relevant. Pictures always help me to visualize what’s going on. Overall, I didn’t really see anything on your portfolio that needs your attention. Nice job with everything!
ReplyDeleteHey Jake! First of all, nice portfolio man! I love the layouts and the easy access of the contents. I love how your banner image is one, but in each story, you added different images that fit the overall tone of the story. I also love the theme of your portfolio since it is full of battles and wars. I think you did well in putting imagery and giving little details since it makes your story more lively. Your author's note is very descriptive and gives good background information so the first time readers can easily access and understand the story you made compare to the original story. Overall, great job and I hope that you can keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteHi Jake great job on your Portfolio! I like how all of the stories are related because it creates a continuity with all of your stories. This is a good Portfolio to have all of the stories similar because of the direction you are taking with the Portfolio. Your retelling of the stories makes it important that they are all connected in some way. One thing I would recommend for the stories is making some changes that make them more specific to your Portfolio. Additional little details would be great because they would make the stories more yours instead of the original. Great job on your storybook, and good luck with the rest of the semester!
ReplyDelete